A few nights before, I had a small conversation with father that I passed math and economics, the subjects people fear. And also that I flunked geography. And then father was 'mad' and he said something like "how can you even flunk geography, the thing that makes sense to not pass is chemistry or something."
Then it was silent. Father had forgotten all this time that I was taking social studies.
The reality he never wanted.
When I had to bring it up back then when I was about to enter my sophomore year, he was silent and said things like "Okay, you can be rich and go to economics like mommy" and things like that. He did--or actually, does--not believe that future exists outside numbers. From what I see daily, the world is upside down in my home. Mother is the only person the sons look up to, I refrained from being rude but father generally cannot understand anything spoken without yelling, my brother learned the same belief from me and ended up vocally hating father, and father is just there being an outcast in his own home.
No, I don't hate father at all. He is fucking despicable, yes, but I do not have any right to hate him and from what I see, the despicability is just due to the fact that he does not interact well with anything outside silicon boards and his high school gang. Father loves me although I swear it's so obvious that we try to hide and/or deny that we totally hate each other. It's just that maybe loving the sons is a cute thing and his stomach churns at cutesy. But even mother yells at him sometimes or point out his stupidity before me so that I could support or exaggerate her point.
So one thing I really want to tell you is just this sadness welling inside me. I've told you that father had lived the past year and a half to forget that I took and am taking social studies, and now that I brought it up, being in the disadvantaged position of being despised by half the household, he seemed super sad because he couldn't be mad about it. Like, you know, sometimes I wondered if father disliked anything I do just for the sake of it and that he enjoyed the victory of yelling at people's faces. But mother had shaped the house into a no-yell place and yelling doesn't work on anyone and now, due to that, he lost his power.
Sometimes on dinner father asked me about my friends who are in college now, where they were doing and going for college. I told about a friend of mine, Dariel (who called me useless on one occasion but yeah I can live another decade to baffle him and father) and told that he went to FTI ITB. He said, "Woaah, awesome" with the most twinkliest eyes I had ever seen for all the 16 years living with him. After the gloom in me failing in a subject as 'stupid' as geography, and now, this, you know what, although he didn't say it, I bet he's totally disappointed at me for not being the first daughter he wanted. I could go to science and still master biology like I had all my entire life and study medicine and make father retire happily.
You heard that? Study medicine! Study medicine!!! :)) Dammit man, 'study medicine' is the most ridiculous thing I have ever mentioned in my whole entire blogging life or maybe my existence in high school and right now I'm mentioning 'study medicine' for you, dad! Sorry for real med students or people wanting to be one, I don't mean any insult and studying medicine was in my list when I was a kid. I am thoroughly sorry if it sounded like an offense to you guys.
But hey dad, I still practice and understand the daily principles of medicine a bajillion times better than you!
Okay now that I am done discussing my unwanted future in father's life, I also feel sad that now mother often had to mention the good sides of father so much and almost desperately so that her children can regain trust.
Which sadly to say is unlikely to happen, especially for my brother. Like, see, all my comments here are my most honest and neutral feelings and I don't hate father, okay. But I see our mutual hatred as something very cute and should be caught on tape.
Okay father, let's puke our bile and guts all out and say that we love each other. Okay?
With love, your daughter that seemingly has no light in her future.
Donna Nadira, over and out.
Then it was silent. Father had forgotten all this time that I was taking social studies.
The reality he never wanted.
When I had to bring it up back then when I was about to enter my sophomore year, he was silent and said things like "Okay, you can be rich and go to economics like mommy" and things like that. He did--or actually, does--not believe that future exists outside numbers. From what I see daily, the world is upside down in my home. Mother is the only person the sons look up to, I refrained from being rude but father generally cannot understand anything spoken without yelling, my brother learned the same belief from me and ended up vocally hating father, and father is just there being an outcast in his own home.
No, I don't hate father at all. He is fucking despicable, yes, but I do not have any right to hate him and from what I see, the despicability is just due to the fact that he does not interact well with anything outside silicon boards and his high school gang. Father loves me although I swear it's so obvious that we try to hide and/or deny that we totally hate each other. It's just that maybe loving the sons is a cute thing and his stomach churns at cutesy. But even mother yells at him sometimes or point out his stupidity before me so that I could support or exaggerate her point.
So one thing I really want to tell you is just this sadness welling inside me. I've told you that father had lived the past year and a half to forget that I took and am taking social studies, and now that I brought it up, being in the disadvantaged position of being despised by half the household, he seemed super sad because he couldn't be mad about it. Like, you know, sometimes I wondered if father disliked anything I do just for the sake of it and that he enjoyed the victory of yelling at people's faces. But mother had shaped the house into a no-yell place and yelling doesn't work on anyone and now, due to that, he lost his power.
Sometimes on dinner father asked me about my friends who are in college now, where they were doing and going for college. I told about a friend of mine, Dariel (who called me useless on one occasion but yeah I can live another decade to baffle him and father) and told that he went to FTI ITB. He said, "Woaah, awesome" with the most twinkliest eyes I had ever seen for all the 16 years living with him. After the gloom in me failing in a subject as 'stupid' as geography, and now, this, you know what, although he didn't say it, I bet he's totally disappointed at me for not being the first daughter he wanted. I could go to science and still master biology like I had all my entire life and study medicine and make father retire happily.
You heard that? Study medicine! Study medicine!!! :)) Dammit man, 'study medicine' is the most ridiculous thing I have ever mentioned in my whole entire blogging life or maybe my existence in high school and right now I'm mentioning 'study medicine' for you, dad! Sorry for real med students or people wanting to be one, I don't mean any insult and studying medicine was in my list when I was a kid. I am thoroughly sorry if it sounded like an offense to you guys.
But hey dad, I still practice and understand the daily principles of medicine a bajillion times better than you!
Okay now that I am done discussing my unwanted future in father's life, I also feel sad that now mother often had to mention the good sides of father so much and almost desperately so that her children can regain trust.
Which sadly to say is unlikely to happen, especially for my brother. Like, see, all my comments here are my most honest and neutral feelings and I don't hate father, okay. But I see our mutual hatred as something very cute and should be caught on tape.
Okay father, let's puke our bile and guts all out and say that we love each other. Okay?
With love, your daughter that seemingly has no light in her future.
Donna Nadira, over and out.
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